who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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