i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
