I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh god it's open bar.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
