Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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