finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize