my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
