I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
4 words: hood of his car
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
