i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
