I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
