Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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