As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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