The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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