i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I still have a little drunk in my system
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
