No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize