So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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