i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
