Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
