She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
These tits shall not be calmed
we're so committed to being not committed
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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