May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up under a house in Key West
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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