Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I love having hate sex.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
