I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I lost the right to judge tonight
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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