Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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