I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
