I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
