Don't you send me to vm
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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