who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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