ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Houston, we have a blender
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
