You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
