I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Everclear isn't food dammit
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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