This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We had to coat check the pizza.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
