My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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