I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
