I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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