i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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