I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
