On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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