we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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