I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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