i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
