you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
