Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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