you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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