I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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