1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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