Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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