Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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