We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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