Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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