I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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