My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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