I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize