Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
