Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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