it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
