I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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