im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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