chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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