this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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