I got her a Nickelback box set.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
